Gambling with your health

The exercise and leisure industry fall into the same category as gambling services and holiday resorts. Buying a gym membership or sporting equipment involves putting your money into an industry where the returns are random and inconsistent.

Everybody who has invested their money in a holiday or at a casino has received something in return from the experience, even if it is a fungal infection from the communal pool, lost luggage or an overdraft. The returns are not always predictable, but there is always something gained from the experience of a vacation or visiting the gym.

Most people who purchase gym contracts, rarely use the facility. Large sums of money are invested in other people’s sweat. Similar to gambling, money is invested to another person’s advantage. The coins that are dropped in a slot machine can either fill the machine or result in a payout in a casino, but results are more predictable when it comes to exercise. Regular exercise leads to less stress with fewer health concerns and weight problems. The results are guaranteed if the rules are obeyed.

Putting food in your mouth forms part of daily survival. The returns look the same when exiting the body whether we deposited a balanced meal or chocolate. The shape and bulges of our human machine is mostly determined by the deposits. Too many deposits of fast food leads to returns of cancer, obesity, diabetes and self-image problems. Gambling with our health is a sobering thought when the lifestyle diseases start showing their symptoms of high blood pressure, stress and cholesterol.

It is time to move the focus (and budget) away from the luxuries of restaurants, resorts and pubs. Barbells should be more important than chocolate bars and sports bars where alcohol and pub grub are served. Cardiovascular exercise involves more endurance than walking to a counter instead of going via the drive-through area. Aerobic exercise burns kilojoules and resistance training speeds up metabolism. This increases the rate at which the coins pass through the conditioned machine by increasing the internal efficiency.

Gambling with your heart could lead to early death, high medical bills and limiting lifestyle if you decide to remain sedentary. There is nothing relaxing about incorrect investment in the leisure industry.

Break Up Bull

Forget irresolvable issues, conflicting beliefs, clashing personalities and irreconcilable differences, the real reason for breakups are the small things that often go unnoticed. The big terms and words with multiple syllables are merely legal terms and politically correct words that are a vague explanation without sharing the detail that surrounds a split. Saying that you broke up because of “irreconcilable differences” is basically a nice way of telling the enquirer that it really is none of their business or that the longer explanation version for the break up will take too long to divulge. When hearing one of the above mentioned terms from others, we nod and do not probe for further detail for fear that the person will break down emotionally or reduce us to tears with a drawn out version of every detailed account of conflict and unhappiness of their long relationship.

We’ve all experienced the irritation of potential suitors such as the excess body hair, inappropriate noises, expressions and mannerisms that we cannot ignore no matter how hard we try. Call it shallowness or immaturity, but the irritation does not go away. The guttural or nasal noises get louder, the unibrow becomes a focal point on his face and the sayings are dated and embarrassing. These issues are exaggerated and become almost as irritating as an evil mother-in-law.

My exboyfriend was prohibited from breaking wind in my presence and the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this was the deciding factor in our break up. The pent up emotions that had no outlet and the escalating pressure to be a decent, well mannered lad was too stressful for him in the end. The fact that he is full of shit has ultimately led to us sleeping in separate beds. Either he was frustrated with my manners and decent upbringing, or I become a real pain in the ass.

Men love speaking about toilet habits, sex, dirty jokes and anything that is below the belt. Demonstrations and gestures add entertainment value to these topics. If a charity were to organise a farting competition as a fund raiser (or skunk raiser) they would make a killing and have stinking rich beneficiaries. Chilli and bean sales would skyrocket and carbo-loading would take a new meaning. The male support would be massive and more popular than any charity auction or pet show.

My friend omits silent farts that make her husband blush. She says he is embarrassed on her behalf, but I think it’s just blood redistribution away from his nose. She either blames him for the fart of wafts the duvet in his direction. When she is feeling cruel, she buries his head under the blanket. If you can’t beat them, join them. She actually has a happy marriage so there is a lot to be said for airing your views.

We should resort to these toilet tendencies in a last desperate attempt to understand the fascination with bowel movements and private parts. Invite other couples over for a braai, burping competition and boep comparison. Embrace their flatulence habits, but don’t squeeze their stomachs too hard and do not serve spinach or any dried fruit.

Examine your last break up and weigh up the small issues such as the fact that he hated your pink shoes, your loud laugh or domestic habits. Ignore the infidelity, arguments and feuds and focus on the little things in order to realise that nobody is perfect, but some people’s imperfections are too much to live with. My next boyfriend will not fart in my presence, but I might compromise and allow him to blame the inexplicable smell on the dog.

Girl Golfers

Overhearing a telephone conversation between two trendy women could go something along these lines (not literal phone lines as these have long since been replaced by cell signals): “Of course! Which course? Should we meet for tea before we tee off? I’ll drive and bring my own driver this time”.

Golf has become a popular sport and a great escape for stressed business people, networkers and social players. Dave Barry summarises this trend best when he says that “although golf was originally restricted to wealthy overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing”. The game was an elite sport, but it now played by anybody who wants to network, unwind, show off or tee off.

I’ve decided to write the “dummies guide to golf”, but there has to be an exam before being allowed on a golf course, even before the driving range. Forget handicaps, these are the stages of golf:

1. Theory lesson – just as learner drivers should have completed the theoretical learners licence exam, wannabe golfers should be required to learn the lingo, rules and intracies of the game. Required reading should be a golf newspaper report or a specialist magazine article and the golf dictionary and …….a pro shop tour. Master picking up a golf bag and carrying it for hours, differentiate the golf clubs, buy a collared shirt and learn the lingo. Minding your Ps and Qs involves learning that p does not stand for putter. A driver is not the person who steers the golf cart. Learn ornithology by viewing the birdies and eagles of the golf course before getting on the green.

2. Learner Driver – short of walking around with an “l” on your back (could stand for loser or lost), this stage involves making friends with the golf stick, stance and swing. Starting with the stance and then progressing to the swing and follow-through before even placing the ball on the tee.

3. Driver – hundreds of practical hours at the driving range under the watchful eye of an instructor. It always helps to have a professional coach in order to learn proper technique in order to have the most effective swing with the most comfortable posture. The first accomplishment occurs when regular contact is made with the ball and the golf club does not fly out of your hand or swing over the stationary ball. Thereafter, the aiming and placement of the ball should become easier with practice and professionals say that once in a while, the ball tends to fly off in a random direction that was not planned.

4. Graduate to take the real course – this is when you can “drive” unassisted without coaching supervision on a real golf course. Dragging the bag through nine holes without total exhaustion or embarrassing your opponent will let you know that you are a golfer.

5. Handicap – I was under the impression that a handicap was a bad thing, but not in golf. The lower your handicap, the better the golfer. A pro is a professional, not prostitute so it’s an achievement to turn “pro”. Golf may be the only sport where it’s good have a “round”.

Bob Hope summarised this sport best when he said “if you watch it, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf”.  The concentration, dedication and motivation required to play this sport seems easy to an outsider, but it is more difficult than getting a licence, even though the equipment may have similar names and prices. It’s empowering to exchange the household iron for a golf iron to play the game that used to be for males exclusively. All the exclusivity removed, it is still an art to learn to play golf.

Some tips from the beginner:

• Get in Gear – collared shirt and proper attire for this sport where lycra is not allowed.
• Go Clubbing – learn the difference between the drivers, wedges and putters.
• Get Balls – always take some extra because golf balls tend to love water.
• Please Get Associated with the Tour – learn the players’ names, course names and tournaments. They initially all sound the same with a few letters that are different like Andrew, St Andrews, Andy
• Go Clubbing again – join a golf club to cement your dedication. After you’ve passed the driver’s test.

Between Christmas and New Year: Black Hole Week

Much is written about the Christmas festivities and the New Year celebrations, but the time between these two holidays is like a black hole or time warp where money is spent, vast amount of food is consumed and people tend to lose their memories and inhibitions for an entire week. A combination of disrupted sleeping patterns, spending patterns and drinking patterns could become a holiday from hell for those trying to save their money, livers and figures.

Ask anybody what they did after Christmas and before New Year and they will scratch their head and struggle to remember what they were doing other than eating and partying. The Christmas shopping is over and presents have been unwrapped, but everybody is still on holiday and spending money that they pretend not to have in these rough economic times. Petrol is a major expense and the other fuel is alcohol that makes people overindulge in food and spending that starts the cycle of overspending again. It is no wonder that there are road blocks everywhere and the police are visible in droves! Drinking and driving during the festive season become as related as work and stress during the year. The roads are filled with people on leisurely drives to nowhere and the roads are quiet at rush hour, yet busy for the rest of the day. Stress manifests itself as road rage and drunken arguments on the roadside when everybody is moving at a different pace. It is not even safe indoors as “shopping seething” occurs when walking behind slow families in busy shopping centres when all you want to do is pop in for bread and then find the closest exit while those strollers in front of you would make a tortoise appear fast. The post-Christmas sales draw many browsers, but all the presents have been purchased and money has been spent before Christmas. I think that these sales are a cruel tactic to get the consumer to hate themselves for spending double the money on a present only to discover that they could have saved money if they had waited a week. People should be at their most hygienic and heaviest after Christmas when everybody gets bath and beauty products and chocolates as gifts. Sadly, braai meat, salad and beer never goes on sale, but it is what most South Africans spend the festive season doing while being social.

Many wasted k’s (kilograms and kilometres) are added to the vehicle and the body that is regretted later and always an excuse for a resolution that involves losing weight, saving money or being more efficient. Holidays and weekends are the best time to exercise as the gyms are quiet and there is more time to plan a routine and avoid the cravings by exercising regularly. There is more time to read an informative article at the pool instead of paging through the magazine on the run or in a waiting room. Sadly reading anything always induced sleep and the more frequent afternoon naps become, the more tired we get. It is strange that vacationers sleep later in the morning, but need that afternoon nap as much as desert after dinner and when the time comes to return to work, we need another holiday.

Black Hole Week is a blur of noise and nothingness and hangovers. This Week-ness is our reward for working hard in the year, but it makes the return to real life more challenging. It also makes New Year’s Resolutions difficult and returning to work impossible.

Estosterone

ESTOSTERONE

I did not forget the “t” in the title because the first part of the male hormone has been phonetically removed. This is my new PC term for the metrosexual phenomenon that is making males effeminate, females maculine and humans androgenous.

My friend actually meant to say estrogen when she was descibing our girls’ weekend away with her lonely boyfriend who was starting to feel outnumbered by her three friends. We joked that he was our pimp and all men who walked past our high pitched parties seemed jealous, if not slightly in awe of this man that seemed so comfortable around women.

I’m often surprised by men’s knowledge of female anatomy and functioning. Buying tampons, acknowledging PMS as a reality and filling hot water bottles shows me that a man does not think that the menstual cycle is a tandem bike with saddles designed for men.

I often chat to guys who will admit going for facials, massages and manicures more often than I do. Beauty salons are seeing a drastic increase in the number of male clientele. Previously, the illegal massage parlours were the only places with beds that had men using their services.

Female magazines are read by males (surely ladies buy these mags and lend them to boyfriends?), girlfriends receive handpicked lingerie as gifts (tastefully chosen in the correct size) and men admit to crying in a sad movie. Usually it is an animal movie and not a love story, but I also thought “Sea Biscuit” was more moving than “Titanic”. If you’ll excuse the pun as the Titanic will not be sailing anywhere again. When I was in school, my hardcore guy friend admitted to crying in “Braveheart” and since then there he had seen less shame in admitting to shedding a tear occasionally. I still get uncomfortable when anybody cries around me so I turn a blind eye when I see an emotional male with glistening eyes in the movies. Slight role reversal when the female is the unfeeling, detached, impassive party.

My favourite evidence of this newfound estosterone is when guys want to join girl talk. They move away from the sports talk around the braai and gravitate to the the giggling girls sharing the bottle of wine. When men ask them why they prefer our conversation they will probably say that they want to take advantage of a drunk woman or report back what the girls are gossiping about the guys. The truth is that guys love gossip. Some women are trying to avoid speaking negatively of another person, but men want to know everything about others. Rumours, scandals and affairs are hot topics for the male ear. Who is doing what to who and why dominates conversation for the evening and I’m sure that some males would take reference notes if they could. Their attention is focussed on learning about the happenings of their social community.

The questions that men ask among a group of girls are relevant and probing and make us think about our personal reasons for doing certain things that were automatic. They analyse our reatcions to situations and consider our decisions if it has nothing to do with their lives. When they are involved in our situations and our decisions affect them personally, they tend to be less impartial and open minded and more opinionated about our reations to any problem or crisis.

The only worrying factor about this estosterone is the lack of availible, dateable males. I’m a bit if a fag hag and tend to be friendly with the homosexuals. Making more and more effeminate friends at the moment has led to fewer single men crossing my path. The gay community seems to be on a recruitment drive trying to get the straight guys to their side of the sexual fence. It becomes impossible to judge whether a person is happily heterosexual or in the closet.

Less testosterone leads to a greater understanding of female functioning and  now there’s a cooking volunteer and a sympathetic ear who will keep listening long after my girlfriends have lost interest.

Worriers

OUT OF CONTROL

Humans have enough problems to worry about without stressing about the things that cannot be changed.

Listen to any older person like a mother-in-law or aunt who constantly comments and complains about the weather. It is always too hot or too cold and they are never comfortable with the climatological state of nature. The only effect of their complaints will be to cause a stormy mood for the listener while the wind continues to blow.

Motivational speakers encourage positive thinking and stress that we should focus on the controllable aspect of our lives that we can improve such as financial status, moods and interactive skills instead of sweating the small stuff.

Being women, we try to control most things on a daily basis, but we need to accept that certain aspects of our lives are slightly more difficult to control than a screaming child or a moody man. Good news to know that certain things are manageable while the five uncontrollable things (listed below) are impossible to change. The new expression on the radio is the best advice: build a bridge and get over it.

1.   WEATHER

If it is meant to rain on your wedding day, the drops will fall from the sky and the best wedding planner cannot limit the damage if you insisted on a garden ceremony. Weather forecasts are as close as we get to control the climate and even the television reports are inaccurate. Murphy plays a sly role in the weather as it usually rains on Easter weekend (most public holidays and weekends when we make plans to be outdoors) or after a carwash. Weather: we like it or not, the elements will not be instructed or tamed for our benefit.

2.   AGEING

Time stands still for nobody and while it is said that true beauty stands the test of time, we will do our best to avoid wrinkles, sagging and gravity as much as possible. New products and procedures try to stop nature’s clock, but only stall the lines for a few years. Most people dread the effects of losing hair, memory and bone density, but ageing is inevitable. We gain experience and wisdom with every facial crease and worrying about getting older just adds to the wrinkles. My granny vainly refuses to wear spectacles as she complains that it makes her look ninety, but does not realise that squinting will make her eye area look a hundred years old. She should be proud of nearly having a century’s life experience, but instead tries to dye her hair and hide her wrinkles that she can hardly see in the mirror because she is not wearing her spectacles.

3.   THE JONES’

The neighbour who has the financial advantage to buy two fancy cars, a collegue who has the idyllic family life and a friend who has the perfect family will always be part of our life. These successful counterparts are there to remind us to strive for a more balanced life, but they do not deserve to be the target of envy or maliciousness because we feel they do not deserve the promotion that life has awarded them. We cannot judge or change the fact that somebody will always be more prosperous. Remember that for every person who is richer than you, there is another who suffers. Use the Jones family as mentors and seek advice to build a better relationship.

4.   REACTIONS

Working with people is a valuable experience and trying to predict the way another person will react to a situation is almost impossible. Regulating our own behaviour is difficult enough without foreseeing how many people will attend your party or buy a product. Moods, comments and reactions makes every person unique and this can be best illustrated when the family that we think we know will surprise us.

5.   PARTNERS (ie, men)

They cannot be changed. Training is possible, taming is achievable and acceptance is our only reaction to certain traits in a partner.

Having read this article, stop frowning (lose the wrinkle between your eyes when looking into the sky), smile (increase the laugh lines that indicate a happy life), laugh at our faults and accept that some things cannot be changed as easily as our underwear. Changing our mind about certain things is easier than worrying.

Cars

Guys continually compare cars to women and we just roll our eyes, failing to see the similarity other than the power struggle between the sexes where they think they are in control – until there’s an accident. The femininity of the car, boat and other possessions has been taken for granted and I can finally relate to this chick comparison after visiting a dealer who convinced me to abandon my seven year long relationship with a reliable Carlee (an obvious name considering my name is Lee and it was my first car, yet people needed explanations about the origin of her name) for a sleek newer model. The first feminine comparison would be the good looks that made Ms Fine so irresistible that I had to have her on the showroom floor. Right then and there here physical profile grabbed my attention and I was smitten with her sleek look and curves.

Carlee, my ex, has become more of a burden in time as she has stopped taking care of herself and her looks are fading. After our move to the ocean, she aged quickly and was attracting pitiful looks from strangers when her colour started fading. More and more people were passing her as she was slower than the younger models which meant that more pathetic looks were given as cars sped past, but she was not turning heads for the right reasons anymore. My hands were developing calluses from touching her (rough stearing) and I was repulsed by her tactile stimulation. While her interior was great, I was embarrassed by her outward appearance as she had dents in all the wrong places and unsightly bumps and bruises. I felt guilty for secretly making plans to trade her in, but it was a nightmare deciding on a replacement that could match her reliability, mobility and good nature. I needed another easy ride that could be manoeuvred into small spaces.

When I decided on a worthy replacement, Carlee’s fate was sealed. After years of making me hot (no aircon) and being stuck in the 80s (KFM was the station of choice as there was no CD player), she would have to move on. The replacement was hidden under a satin sheet that resembled a wedding dress of my untouched vehicle. I removed her gown and slid into the cool atmosphere that would give me much pleasure in the future. The similarities in my virgin ride reminded me of what males imagine to be the perfect girlfriend – no loud feedback, no rattling, no distractions and no boundries. I could drive forever and see a real future for this relationship. The only hiccup which turned into a gag reflex was the fact that my new car makes me nauseous. Maybe it’s the new smell or the air conditioning or the thought of the monthly insurance payments. I’m hoping this morning sickness will subside soon along with the “mourning sickness” of missing my old girl that is now sitting in a garage having a makeover for her new owner. I hope that she can deal with the betrayal and will remember me with fondness.

In the meantime, I will be marking my territory with high revs, speeding fines (or she will “miss-the-fine” because she is so quick), thumping bass and sleek curves. Not to mention my CA number plate which indicates that I have moved away from the northern suburbs into the real world of wheeling and dealing where the action never stops. I know how to turn Ms Fine on and the rest will fall into place with practise. Until the nausea passes and the adjustment (seat, mirror and steering levers) period is over, I will enjoy showing her off to my friends who are extremely jealous, especially the guys. I can see that they want to be in the driver’s seat and feel her for themselves, but they know not to ask.

The biggest losers

THE REAL LOSERS

The saying that you can never be too rich or too thin is often quoted as we strive towards physical perfection and material satisfaction. Gaining money and losing weight are seen as steps to a better life and happiness.

Society’s reaction to weight loss or monetary gain is interesting as there is hardly ever a genuine compliment given from a third party because of jealousy, selfishness or pride. I deal with  people who strive for weight loss on a daily basis and hear comments from others who think that they are being complimentary, but do not understand how to boost another person’s ego without belittling them.

My friend recently lost over ten kilograms and she looks great, but people comment on her methods and wonder how she lost so much weight because it cannot be “natural”. A good exercise programme with a balanced eating plan and self control could not possibly have such a positive effect in their critical view. I was listening to them speaking one day when they commented on the fact that my friend sniffs often and assumed that she was on cocaine which led to the drastic weight loss. Between giggles I mentioned that she suffers from sinus problems and the pollen levels were the only things that were high, but they still seemed sceptical. People also assume that the “loser” has a hidden agenda such as catching a boyfriend or improving appearances for another person when it is often a personal decision. When you commit to losing weight for yourself the goal becomes more tangible and achievable than when you are doing it for somebody else. Goals are not based on kilograms and centimetres, but on energy levels stress reduction and improved wellbeing.

People who make an effort to lose weight are very sensitive to comments about their body and do not appreciate people making uneducated guesses as to how they have shed the kilos. The change does not happen overnight and it is usually a slow, tedious process filled with temptation, cravings and mood swings.  The only immediate reaction is the realisation by people who have not seen you for a long time who are shocked by your appearance and wonder where the rest of your body went.

Scrutinising and adjusting eating habits has become a hot topic and dinner parties revolve around conversations about the content of our plate. Look at people in restaurants who enquire as to what the person at another table is eating and base their food choice on the aesthetics of the dish. A person who is obese is always watched and they generally tend to avoid eating in public due to fear of ridicule or embarrassment. Thus a psychological issue is formed in addition to the physical obesity. It is assumed that they eat more than the average person, but this is not always the case as activity and metabolic functioning plays a role in body composition. Ectomorphs are people with small bone structures who often eat more than larger people, but they are accused of having a tape worm or a fast metabolism.

The reality is that there are many people in third world countries who would die for the fast food that makes the first world countries obese and overweight. Comments about Ethiopeans sleeping in hose pipes and being faxed somewhere instead of catching a flight have been circulated and laughed about since the famine started. Being too thin leads to health problems such as bad circulation, brittle bones and nervous system imbalances.

Losing weight is not always a good thing. People with high metabolisms and active lifestyles tend to lose weight quickly and look gaunt and malnourished if they lose a few kilos. Stress causes many people to lose weight because any disruption to the human body’s functioning will have an effect in either increasing or decreasing appetite. During times of emotional stress we tend to lose weight and look good to the rest of the world while we feel terrible inside. Nobody looks past the physical improvement to notice the mood swings or energy slumps. There are many people who are sick with liver, pancreas and other metabolic problems that lose weight. After months of constantly losing weight, they finally discover that the reason for their slimmer figure is a serious sickeness that no amount of compliments can cure.

On a lighter note, the compliments do wonders for our self image, but the thought at the back of mind remains that if I lost the weight for no reason with minimal effort, it will come back for no good reason, along with my appetite.

The best compliments:

1. You’ve lost so much weight! You used to be quite large/podgy/flabby
2. Be careful that you are not anorexic.
3. Do you need some money for food?
4. Ethiopean jokes. Hose pipes for sleeping bags and travelling by fax instead of plane as cruel innuendos for losing weight.
5. Is that all you are eating?
6. How much more are you going to lose before you disappear? Just don’t turn sideways.

With this insight into the minds of ectomorphs and dieters, you must ask yourself who the real losers are when comments are made about weight loss and physical appearance.

Thirty

THIRTY THINGS TO DO BEFORE THIRTY

Another birthday, fewer presents and more questions as to when I will settle down and breed.

The only good thing about being thirty is that it is a round number which is easy to remember, as I constantly forget how old I am at the moment. At either twenty eight or twenty nine years old I have survived the first quarter, but have a break before menopause. The quarter life crisis has left me with a philosophical outlook on life and lots of advice for anybody who seems insecure or unsure. The reflection of my twenties that were spent studying, working and partying will soon be left behind for the thirties of more working and less partying. Before I reach that level of maturity, I want to accomplish a few things other than earning a degree that has not helped secure a successful job. Below is the checklist where I can tick a few items as complete and make plans to accomplish the rest as the clock is ticking…

1. Binge - the only way to find one’s limit is to push the boundry. Excess food, booze or spending on a shopping spree qualifies as binging. More, more, more must be done while living for the moment. The guilt only sets in afterwards.
2. Develop healthy habits. Brushing teeth twice per day, eating veggies, wearing a seatbelt and exercising regularly.
3. Drop my negative friends. These people we dread calling when they text “please call me” messages and I am always nervous to ask about their health as there is never a positive answer. Surround oneself with positive people instead of having to listen to depressed, selfish friends because their negativity is contagious.
4. Lock keys in cars or house or do something equally stupid to learn a lesson that is hopefully not repeated. A good contingency must then be implemented such as giving spare keys to parents.
5. Make debt and then get out of debt. Do not repeat.
6. Stay awake through the night. Party through the night with friends or stay up with another person for a private party.
7. Slap a guy or put the pie in the face that they do in the movies – examples include slapping your cheating boyfriend.
8. Go on a blind date.
9. Get dumped. Experiencing rejection is part of life, but never pleasant. Experience heart break and be a survivor with a story to tell
10. Go cosmopolitan - make friends from different cultures, races and religions.
11. Have regular medical check ups: gynaechologist, dentist and be educated about health problems.
12. Choose a mentor who can guide and support important decisions.
13. Read a self-help book or attend a seminar for personal development.
14. Read the book instead of watching the movie.
15. Complete a DIY activity such as constructing a bookshelf or redecorating.
16. Compile a five-year plan and consult it regularly for direction and guidance.
17. Say NO without feeling guilty.
18. Support a charity that is not myself.
19. Travel oversees – work or pleasure.
20. Change jobs to avoid having one reference on CV.
21. Travel locally by train, motor cycle or any other alternative mode of transport.
22. Adopt a pet.
23. Babysit kids of family to experience what is like to be a mom. Then give them back.
24. Experience the death of a loved one, whether it be a loss of a family member of a pet.
25. Speak to parents about mortality and money. Know the location of important papers such as testaments and legal documents.
26. Realise that sounding like my mother may not be a bad thing.
27. Learn to hold my tongue and stop putting my foot in my mouth.
28. Find a grey (or stray) hair and smile about it
29. Wear sunscreen, night cream and age gracefully.
30. Celebrate birthdays without avoiding them and then forget my age.

Having compiled this list, I can add to it at the next landmark birthday. I have exactly one year and two months to work on the action plan to achieve these goals.

Man influences

Men are present even though we try to escape them at occasions such as girls’ night when we end up discussing our egotistical boss, problematic boyfriend or good looking collegue. Man and the plural men invade our vocabulary with problems discussed below. There is no escaping these things that influence our daily lives, health and work.

MENstruation – while men invade our lives daily, we bleed once a month for a few days. The menstrual cycle usually starts during the teenage years when we begin to notice the opposite sex. This monthly cycle continues throughout adulthood and is usually the time when men leave women alone. They sympathize with this enigma that they will never experience and do not understand the accompanying moods, bloating and discomfort.

MENopause – called change of life where woman’s ovaries stops producing eggs and menstrual flow ceases and a woman can no longer have children. This is the most difficult physical, emotional and hormonal time of woman’s life and is often referred to as a mid life crisis. Women cope with this stage in various ways other than buying a convertible or having an affair. Menopause is seen as a MENace as it is characterized by physical changes, which leads to MENtal stress.

Medical conditions that are specific to women and represent major stages in our lives are named after men. Pregnancy is the only other stage that does not have the prefix “men” but not all women fall pregnant.

Even one “man” can cause a problem

Weight MANagement, MANic depression and MANual labour are all daily struggles in our lives.

MANager – head of house

MANdate - instruction

MANia – frantic, violent

MANipulate – use to your advantage

We are never free from the men, even though we try our best to attain girl power.

Man influences

Men are present even though we try to escape them at occasions such as girls’ night when we end up discussing our egotistical boss, problematic boyfriend or good looking collegue. Man and the plural men invade our vocabulary with problems discussed below. There is no escaping these things that influence our daily lives, health and work.

MENstruation – while men invade our lives daily, we bleed once a month for a few days. The menstrual cycle usually starts during the teenage years when we begin to notice the opposite sex. This monthly cycle continues throughout adulthood and is usually the time when men leave women alone. They sympathize with this enigma that they will never experience and do not understand the accompanying moods, bloating and discomfort.


MENopause – called change of life where woman’s ovaries stops producing eggs and menstrual flow ceases and a woman can no longer have children. This is the most difficult physical, emotional and hormonal time of woman’s life and is often referred to as a mid life crisis. Women cope with this stage in various ways other than buying a convertible or having an affair. Menopause is seen as a MENace as it is characterized by physical changes, which leads to MENtal stress.

Medical conditions that are specific to women and represent major stages in our lives are named after men. Pregnancy is the only other stage that does not have the prefix “men” but not all women fall pregnant.

Even one “man” can cause a problem

Weight MANagement, MANic depression and MANual labour are all daily struggles in our lives.

MANager – head of house

MANdate - instruction

MANia – frantic, violent

MANipulate – use to your advantage

We are never free from the men, even though we try our best to attain girl power.

Fashion faux pas

Victims of fashion are those shop assistants that give me dirty looks when I enter their “exclusive” boutiques wearing jeans, t-shirt and takkies. I am wearing no jewellery or make up, but I have remembered my credit card that I may swipe if I find the right clothes to wear. I obviously need smart clothes if I am not wearing the correct name brands. I’m a Nike or Adidas girl and have only been introduced to Chanel, Dior and Louis Vitton. The irony about the people who wear these brands is that they probably get themselves into debt to purchase these labels as they are the consumers who can least afford the Levis. The shop assistants who judge the appearance of potential customers are the real victims who cannot earn more the 6k per month, which does not even cover the accessories bill.

I’m a practical person who has never been fashion conscious and I tend to dress more sporty than trendy. I do not see the point of styling my hair when it lasts for a few hours before I have to shower after exercising. Make up never stays on my eyes and always smudges. I have been scared by people when I see them in the morning with their natural look when I have only seen them with a layer of paint on their face. I cannot understand the point of curling lashes, straightening hair and waxing the rest.

I bought myself a pair of Chanel fake sunglasses and they are my camoflage. Hiding half my face comes in useful when I want to stare at people or save money on sunblock by only applying it the lower half of my face. These manufactures unwittingly support skin cancer prevention.
I can’t walk in heels without people asking why I am limping. High shoes are great in winter when my pants do not get sodden from being dragged on the wet ground. The soles will take years of walking to wear down as they are so thick, so investing in these shoes could be value for money, unless fashion dates. I recently purchased a pair of pointy boots and although they make my feet look three sizes bigger, they are useful defence weapons if I am attacked. No thief would stand after being stabbed and kicked simultaneously in the shins.
Pashmina was a new word to add to my journalistic vocabulary. But now that is almost already “last season” and ….
The real fashion faux pas is not wearing red and pink together, but the mistakes that the clothing industry should have noticed by now:
• Jeans – nobody has an attractive crack and bending down is difficult enough without the exposure it creates.
• Why must the smallest piece of lingerie have a label? The label is often bigger than the g-string and ALWAYS sticks out for the world to see that I wear Medium panties.
• The stickers mark the clothes. Tearing off the adhesive leaves sticky residue that often leaves stains in the fabric.
• Shoe sizes are on the outside of shoes – this type of information should be private.
• Hand washing is inconvenient. If the modern person has time to do hand washing and leave it to dry in winter, we would have time to make our own clothes.
• Most people do not want to expose their stomachs and muffins. Especially in winter.


The fashion industry has fans and slaves all over the world, from sales assistants in boutiques to sewers in sweat shops. Even the rebels are slaves to fashion because the alternative clothing stores are seldom cheap unless they are second hand charity shops. In my opinion the real fashion faux pas is to follow the brands and never develop a unique fashion style.

Occupational Hazards

An uncomfortable silence settles around the dinner table until somebody casually enquires as to what the guests do for a living. A neutral, safe question until the gynaechologist reveals his medical speciality. Women blush, children look confused and some idiot makes an ill-timed joke about female anatomy that kills the conversation and leaves everybody staring at their plates.
I also work with human anatomy (muscles instead of wombs), but the public response to my trade as a personal trainer is similar. People either glare at me, trying to see the muscles bulging through the clothes or they confess about the last time they went to gym. Exercise history becomes a confession of guilt about a sedentary lifestyle, lack of motivation and stress. High school sporting achievements are recounted and prepartum weight is a proud memory when they compare their activity to the present, often with visual aids. People show me a beer boep or stretch marks during this unauthorised confession. I can identify with psychologists who must get an earful everytime they tell strangers their occupation. I’m always too nervous to speak to psychologists in fear of being analysed, classified or certified as crazy or unstable. Yet, my profession seems to encourage confession! If only I could prescribe Prozac, but endorphins and other happy hormones are more effective in my field.
I get dirty looks in bars when I drink cider and people assume that I’m an alcoholic. Snide comments are passed when I go grocery shopping and observers notice chocolate in the trolley. I actually want to cover my groceries and put a “do not disturb” sign on my food. I prescribe exercise but am expected to have a flawless eating plan and lead a dull life. The pressure to look perfect and the cliched questions has led me to sometimes tell people that I am a PA and not a PT. Personal assistants look after clients, listen attentively and do administration that is part of my job description. I write programes, poll clients and attend to their training needs. I listen to complaints, issue invoices and calculate payments that clients may not track accurately. Nobody asks a PA personal questions unrealted to their job or bombards them with a quick fix for years of self abuse.

I wish that people would ask intelligent questions instead of pulling and wobbling the fat under their arm. Waving flabby limbs do not equate to asking for advice to tighten triceps. We ask acquaintances in property about the value of our estate and the plumber friend about a blocked drain, so why not ask me how to structure a balanced exercise programme. Instead, people try to stare through my clothes and assess my physique instead of making polite conversation.

The assumption that people with physical jobs are stupid is also made by strangers. People start talking slower on hearing my occupation. It’s as pointless as talking louder to a blind person. People are surpirsed to hear that I have a degree in exercise science and other qualifications that were not achieved solely by sweating. Being well qualified and experienced in running my own business has led to many networking opportunities that would not be possible in a normal workplace.

The real occupational hazards exist in the office where stress levels are high and mindsets are determined by the boss with no room for creativity or lateral thinking.

Cancer survivor

The reaction to a cancer diagnosis is never the same and the victim is not always that person who has been inflicted with these evil cells. Friends and family are secondary sufferers and often the pain stems from the helplessness of not knowing what to say and do when your best friend or cousin has been diagnosed with a disease that randomly targets the healthy, obese, rich and successful.


My theory that bad things happen to good people gets proven over and over when I see active people being diagnosed and strong families reduced to insecure, unstable strangers when they cannot understand the curse of cancer. Trying to understand the source can cause more confusion with conflicting literature and some theories that suggest that cancer has emotional origins and is self inflicted. I believe that everybody who comes into contact with a disease should study the causes and treatments, but they should not judge or jump to conclusions about a disease that is changing so rapidly with scary statistics. If we were to follow the literature we would never drive in a car (carbon monoxide poisoning), take contraceptive pills (oestrogen increases could cause cancer), eat fast food (fatty acids and plastic wrapping increases cancer risk), eat fruit (pesticides that are sprayed on fruit has high levels of DDT) or stress. The irony is that when you are told not to stress about something, it becomes a worry. When I am told to “chill out”, I actually want to hit the person who utters those words. Radiation causes cancer, but radiation is a treatment to kill cancer. People have stopped smoking to avoid lung cancer, but non-smokers are becoming victims.

So, after confusing myself with all the information about cancer, I extract the facts, dismiss the tragic stories and follow the dietary and exercise advice. I also feel better knowing the stages or radiation and chemo and preparing myself for possible side effects that my friend may have after the operation.

It is difficult being supportive when somebody is not sick, but they are walking around with cells that are poisoning their bodies from the inside. You can’t tell them to “get well soon” as they are not in bed with flu symptoms. Often, the treatment will make them sicker than the disease and the more advanced the cancer, the worse the side effects. I stumbled on the fact that side effects from prescription drugs are among the top five reasons for death in the First World and cancer is less prevalent in the developing world so the poor are protected. The other side effect that is crippling is that cancer can cause people to become poor and the treatment is expensive and medical aids do not cover all expenses. My friend was trying to sort out the paperwork (which was enough to kill a forest) and I commented that the worst thing about having cancer was the administration. There are a panel of doctors and specialists involved in an operation and the gynaechologist, anaesthitist, surgeon and specialists must get consulted and paid.

As with all tragedies, there are good things that result from cancer. I have become more educated about the disease and people’s reaction to bad news and their unending support. Marriages are cemented, friendships are strengthened and self discovery is part of the process. I just hope that the medical advances continue to make detection and cancer management easier. There should be support groups for the supporters. Not only will my best friend survive cancer, I will too.

Wedding woes

I hate weddings. That blunt statement sparks the obvious questions about whether I’m joking, jealous, jilted or just jaded.
As I’m writing this radical opinion, I’m supposed to be at my friend’s wedding. I’ve used various excuses to avoid weddings that I’ve dreaded attending - from stomach bugs and transport problems to absent partners - but the underlying truth is that I’d rather avoid the forced conversation, faked interest and rehearsed compliments.

I’ve never been married, but I have no issues with commitment. The first reaction to my aversion to weddings is that I’m a new age chick with a chip on my butch shoulder. I have no objections to marriage, but I find a wedding to be overrated. The truth is that I’m a normal woman with better ways to spend a Saturday afternoon.

I am confused when I must go to a church on a day that is not Sunday. The church is literally divided and picking a pew becomes an important decision when all I’m trying to do is avoid tripping a long dress with high heels that get worn once a year. Regrettably, the dress won the trousers vs dress debate.

After struggling past people in the pew to find a seat, I wait. It seems that every time I go to a wedding the bride takes longer to arrive. As I’m about to nod off, the wedding march begins and everybody gets whiplash as the entourage enters. A slow procession of “step-together-step-together” begins as the bridal party moves into the church at a snail’s pace. A collective “aaahhh” echos across the church. Brides are always beautiful, regardless how much they resemble a meringue. The groom is always nervous eventhough the bride accepted his proposal and planned the wedding and will let nothing stop her from getting to the ceremony.
Tying the knot is a chorus of “I do’s” followed by a service and signing a register while the church waits. There’s never any action like in the movies when some guest objects to the union.

Moving to the reception in a convoy ends with a parking problem and a crowd of people standing around in an uncomfortable silence. More waiting. Eventually the newlyweds arrive in a flurry of petals, confetti and kisses. Confetti lands up everywhere except on the couple’s heads, usually most of it falls down my cleavage.

After being seated at a table where polite greetings are exchanged and small talk is forced, the champagne gets opened and the party begins. There are always many generations of family and different genres of friends who have to be catered for with food and music. Invitations get sent to family members that appear from the woodwork when the engagement is announced. A distant family member will not get invited to my budget wedding. Explaining how you know the happy couple becomes the conversation topic and you have to listen to numerous versions of every anecdote and childhood recollection.
Dinner is prepared early for the older generation and it gets served at the table if you are fortunate. Buffet dinners resemble university residence days you queue for ages and everybody comments on how you pile your plate.

Dancing follows eating and drinking. Dancing on a full stomach under glaring lights is a bit embarrassing and nobody wants to open the dance floor. In a nightclub, it is dark enough to hide lack of rhythm. The Bartman dance to Billy Ray Cyrus was fun in the Eighties, but it should have stayed there and wedding DJs should evolve. The cutest cliché is the kids that take over and dance with grownups under the lights.

Speeches reveal embarrassing facts that should have remained secrets and they always begin with friends saying that they don’t have much to reveal, but it turns out to be a lie. Everybody is thanked in detail repeatedly. Besides the predictable speeches, a wedding reception involves cold food, drunken old men, too much kissing and insincere compliments.

The much-anticipated wedding night that the groom gets teased about must be an anti-climax (in more ways than I am allowed to describe) as the bridal couple are exhausted after their long day of smiling. The bride struggles for a few minutes to remove the wedding dress that she spent months of dieting trying to fit into.
The honeymoon becomes a welcome holiday after the wedding pandemonium. Hopefully a honeymoon can be afforded after the cost of the wedding.

Overuse and injuries

Used and abused


Apart from the fantastic benefits of exercise such as stronger muscles, easier completion of daily tasks, happy hormones in the form of endorphins and the general wellbeing that comes with an active lifestyle, there are certain potential dangers.



A life filled with cycling, running and Adventure Boot Camp will be more rewarding but there are certain times when the body may become stressed and abused from the impact, strain and conditions of exercise. Overuse injuries occur to every person in different circumstances. While an office worker may develop a repetitive strain injury such as carpel tunnel syndrome or weakened eyesight from staring at a computer, an active person faces different problems in the form of shin splints, compartment syndrome, tennis elbow or other overuse injuries. The traditional treatment is known by the popular RICE acronym and stands for rest, ice, compression and elevation.

My overuse injury as a trainer turned out to be the weakening of my vocal cords from shouting my way through spinning classes without the assistance of a microphone, Boot Camp drills in the wind and the continuous chatter that flows from my mouth. Being very similar to any other overuse injury, I was frustrated as I could not rest my strained vocal cords as people rely on my instructions and I was astonished to find that I had taken my words for granted when I was able to speak freely without coughing or choking on my words. My whole existence depends on the advice, instructions and words of wisdom. I tried to rest my voice by avoiding friends, night time outings and smoke but it turned out to be very difficult. In many cases the onset of pain or stress is the body’s way of begging for a break and it should be given a rest period to recover from the physical demands of daily life placed on the muscles. Losing my voice could have been a result of an incessant talking or the strain from shouting to my friends on a rare Friday night club party. Any injury such as shin splints could be caused from too much exercise in the long term (such as running long distances on a daily basis without having time to rest) or trying to achieve too much in a short period of time (such as running a half marathon without any training runs or trying to keep up with a fellow camper who has completed nine camps to your one)…



When my campers ask for advice about shin splints, knee problems and back pain, I usually recommend the following information and I hope that they can hear my whispers and try the following preventions:

• Alternate ice packs with heat every five minutes or so to relax the muscle and reduce inflammation.

• Take a warm bath with a muscle relaxant such as Arnica to soothe stressed muscles.

• Go for regular massages to erase tension and keep the muscles functioning properly.

• Have at least one rest day per week where the most strenuous exercise is walking from the television to the kitchen or walking from the car to the mall.

• Find out what is causing the pain and treat the cause, not the symptoms. If back pain keeps reoccurring after abdominal exercise, do not avoid the crunches, sit ups and planks completely. Ask your Adventure Boot Camp trainer to show you proper technique or attend some Pilates classes.

Luckily, I can still write articles without a voice to get my opinions across to others and spare my throat some pain, so while you are injured, research different methods to deal with the overuse injury and prevent it from happening again. Find alternative forms of exercise that will not strain your body or strengthen other muscles that will prevent strain from being put on the one muscle that keeps getting hurt.

Leeway Lean

When the burger joint knows your name and order by the sound of your voice as soon as you call them and you know their personal stories, it is time to make a few adjustments to your eating plan.
The only time I “dye-it” is when my hair changes colour. Any educated person knows that a diet is a short-term fad that leads to a long-term effect that is physically, mentally and socially detrimental.

Eating plans become part of a balanced lifestyle while eating disorders leave physical and psychological imbalances in most cases.
I live alone, do not cook and I enjoy junk food. While my exercise routine is regular and stable, eating patterns are governed by time, cravings and budget.

I want to lose the extra fat that no amount of exercise can remove from my active body. I’m training for a half marathon and the only kilos I can afford to add should be to my mileage, not my midline.
My main problem involves balance. I’m out of balance when I run, placing more emphasis on one side of my body to do all the work. When it comes to eating, my impression of a balanced diet involves having some form of food in each hand. Coffee and muffin, beer and snack, chocolate and anything else in my right hand. I also make the mistake of trying to alter the balance by putting a book or magazine in the other hand and when I’ve finished the chapter, a packet of chips has also disappeared!
My conclusion is that most eating “sins” can be controlled by the mind and I’ve formulated these tips to reduce consumption:

 Buy deep, narrow cookie jars and buy small packets of cookies – this will ensure that you cannot reach your favourite biscuits once you’ve eaten the top layer.

 Never eat alone – always make eating a social occasion. This has a dual purpose: avoidance of messy fast foods such as pizza and burgers and eating more slowly (like the experts recommend) while chatting as it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.

 Take a doggie bag when dining out – this can lead to less hassle to make lunch for work the next day or the car guard at the restaurant can get an edible tip.

 Finish chewing before taking the next bite. Think of exercising those jaw muscles optimally by chewing as slowly as possible. If only spot fat reduction were possible I would be gaunt from chewing carefully and talking a lot.

 Rather have desert with lunch than with supper to give it more time to settle. Have a low calorie drink for desert instead of cake.

 Include protein in all meals to improve satiety and feel fuller.

 Cheat foods should not be lying around the house calling your name whenever you are too lazy to cook.

 Take the fast food outlets and delivery services off your speed dial and remove the menus from your fridge.

 Drink water with meals and avoid carbonated drinks and alcohol.

 Be conscious of everything that you put in your mouth. Remember when you cheat and whether it was worth the empty calories that must now be exercised away.
Changing your lifestyle should not be drastic or compulsive, but being aware of food choices and snacking improves eating habits and leads to a better balance with both hands raised in victory after achieving your goal.

Comebacks to cliches

COMEBACKS TO CLICHES


Being single, social and self-employed, I am the target of many questions about my private life that strangers and relatives feel obliged to ask. These questions seldom vary, yet they always catch me off guard and I only manage a witty comeback about 24-hours later. I will be sitting on the loo when the idea of answering an invasive question with another question will hit me, but I have nobody to test my rebuttal on. So when I get asked why I am single, I can turn the question around with a simple “Why do you think I can’t land a man?”. This could lead to much blushing and stuttering from the other person and shift the attention away from my marital status. My brainwave is too late this time, as the person who asked the question is asking another single person who is blushing and stuttering. This made me adopt the Brownie motto and “be prepared”, so I have listed a few potential answers to awkward questions that I can choose depending on the interrogator (friends, family, fellowships or functions) and my mood (“mellow or miaaw” so it depends on care or claws).



Why are you still single?

• My other personality does not have the same taste as me. My other personality has a fettish for losers, while I am more of a gold-digger.

• Is there a cure for this infliction? Being single sounds like an incurable disease.

• Everybody I like is married and polygamy is not legal.

• I like the younger partner and I am waiting for him to finish school.

• My left hand is missing a finger or allergic to gold and silver jewelry. No ring finger, so no man.

• Because I can be single. It’s fun. Why aren’t you single?

• I can afford my lifestyle alone.

• So that I can buy property, cars and food without having to share.

• It is more fun at New Year’s.

• I can take a different date wherever I go.



When are you having children?

• There are enough in the world – overpopulation is a real problem.

• I remember to take my pill.

• My womb says no.

• My biological clock is in another time zone.

• I am waiting to be a MILF or cougar.

• I am waiting until I am older so my kids can be raised with my in an old age home.

• When I find a man.





I thought that these thoughtless questions would stop once I got rid of the single syndrome, but then the probing gets more personal.



Are you trying to have kids?

• We try nightly in all positions, but no luck yet. Can you help us?

• Are you asking how often we have sex?

• We want to have a social life as much as possible without noise.

• Why have kids when I am married to one?

• We need to apply for a parenting license before we start trying?

• Are you volunteering to babysit?



These questions most often come from strangers who have no business asking about your sex life. I will use these answers and hope to never see them again. If you have been in this situation, remember NEVER to ask these things.