Forget irresolvable issues, conflicting beliefs, clashing personalities and irreconcilable differences, the real reason for breakups are the small things that often go unnoticed. The big terms and words with multiple syllables are merely legal terms and politically correct words that are a vague explanation without sharing the detail that surrounds a split. Saying that you broke up because of “irreconcilable differences” is basically a nice way of telling the enquirer that it really is none of their business or that the longer explanation version for the break up will take too long to divulge. When hearing one of the above mentioned terms from others, we nod and do not probe for further detail for fear that the person will break down emotionally or reduce us to tears with a drawn out version of every detailed account of conflict and unhappiness of their long relationship.
We’ve all experienced the irritation of potential suitors such as the excess body hair, inappropriate noises, expressions and mannerisms that we cannot ignore no matter how hard we try. Call it shallowness or immaturity, but the irritation does not go away. The guttural or nasal noises get louder, the unibrow becomes a focal point on his face and the sayings are dated and embarrassing. These issues are exaggerated and become almost as irritating as an evil mother-in-law.
My exboyfriend was prohibited from breaking wind in my presence and the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this was the deciding factor in our break up. The pent up emotions that had no outlet and the escalating pressure to be a decent, well mannered lad was too stressful for him in the end. The fact that he is full of shit has ultimately led to us sleeping in separate beds. Either he was frustrated with my manners and decent upbringing, or I become a real pain in the ass.
Men love speaking about toilet habits, sex, dirty jokes and anything that is below the belt. Demonstrations and gestures add entertainment value to these topics. If a charity were to organise a farting competition as a fund raiser (or skunk raiser) they would make a killing and have stinking rich beneficiaries. Chilli and bean sales would skyrocket and carbo-loading would take a new meaning. The male support would be massive and more popular than any charity auction or pet show.
My friend omits silent farts that make her husband blush. She says he is embarrassed on her behalf, but I think it’s just blood redistribution away from his nose. She either blames him for the fart of wafts the duvet in his direction. When she is feeling cruel, she buries his head under the blanket. If you can’t beat them, join them. She actually has a happy marriage so there is a lot to be said for airing your views.
We should resort to these toilet tendencies in a last desperate attempt to understand the fascination with bowel movements and private parts. Invite other couples over for a braai, burping competition and boep comparison. Embrace their flatulence habits, but don’t squeeze their stomachs too hard and do not serve spinach or any dried fruit.
Examine your last break up and weigh up the small issues such as the fact that he hated your pink shoes, your loud laugh or domestic habits. Ignore the infidelity, arguments and feuds and focus on the little things in order to realise that nobody is perfect, but some people’s imperfections are too much to live with. My next boyfriend will not fart in my presence, but I might compromise and allow him to blame the inexplicable smell on the dog.
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