Wedding woes

I hate weddings. That blunt statement sparks the obvious questions about whether I’m joking, jealous, jilted or just jaded.
As I’m writing this radical opinion, I’m supposed to be at my friend’s wedding. I’ve used various excuses to avoid weddings that I’ve dreaded attending - from stomach bugs and transport problems to absent partners - but the underlying truth is that I’d rather avoid the forced conversation, faked interest and rehearsed compliments.

I’ve never been married, but I have no issues with commitment. The first reaction to my aversion to weddings is that I’m a new age chick with a chip on my butch shoulder. I have no objections to marriage, but I find a wedding to be overrated. The truth is that I’m a normal woman with better ways to spend a Saturday afternoon.

I am confused when I must go to a church on a day that is not Sunday. The church is literally divided and picking a pew becomes an important decision when all I’m trying to do is avoid tripping a long dress with high heels that get worn once a year. Regrettably, the dress won the trousers vs dress debate.

After struggling past people in the pew to find a seat, I wait. It seems that every time I go to a wedding the bride takes longer to arrive. As I’m about to nod off, the wedding march begins and everybody gets whiplash as the entourage enters. A slow procession of “step-together-step-together” begins as the bridal party moves into the church at a snail’s pace. A collective “aaahhh” echos across the church. Brides are always beautiful, regardless how much they resemble a meringue. The groom is always nervous eventhough the bride accepted his proposal and planned the wedding and will let nothing stop her from getting to the ceremony.
Tying the knot is a chorus of “I do’s” followed by a service and signing a register while the church waits. There’s never any action like in the movies when some guest objects to the union.

Moving to the reception in a convoy ends with a parking problem and a crowd of people standing around in an uncomfortable silence. More waiting. Eventually the newlyweds arrive in a flurry of petals, confetti and kisses. Confetti lands up everywhere except on the couple’s heads, usually most of it falls down my cleavage.

After being seated at a table where polite greetings are exchanged and small talk is forced, the champagne gets opened and the party begins. There are always many generations of family and different genres of friends who have to be catered for with food and music. Invitations get sent to family members that appear from the woodwork when the engagement is announced. A distant family member will not get invited to my budget wedding. Explaining how you know the happy couple becomes the conversation topic and you have to listen to numerous versions of every anecdote and childhood recollection.
Dinner is prepared early for the older generation and it gets served at the table if you are fortunate. Buffet dinners resemble university residence days you queue for ages and everybody comments on how you pile your plate.

Dancing follows eating and drinking. Dancing on a full stomach under glaring lights is a bit embarrassing and nobody wants to open the dance floor. In a nightclub, it is dark enough to hide lack of rhythm. The Bartman dance to Billy Ray Cyrus was fun in the Eighties, but it should have stayed there and wedding DJs should evolve. The cutest cliché is the kids that take over and dance with grownups under the lights.

Speeches reveal embarrassing facts that should have remained secrets and they always begin with friends saying that they don’t have much to reveal, but it turns out to be a lie. Everybody is thanked in detail repeatedly. Besides the predictable speeches, a wedding reception involves cold food, drunken old men, too much kissing and insincere compliments.

The much-anticipated wedding night that the groom gets teased about must be an anti-climax (in more ways than I am allowed to describe) as the bridal couple are exhausted after their long day of smiling. The bride struggles for a few minutes to remove the wedding dress that she spent months of dieting trying to fit into.
The honeymoon becomes a welcome holiday after the wedding pandemonium. Hopefully a honeymoon can be afforded after the cost of the wedding.