Comebacks to cliches

COMEBACKS TO CLICHES


Being single, social and self-employed, I am the target of many questions about my private life that strangers and relatives feel obliged to ask. These questions seldom vary, yet they always catch me off guard and I only manage a witty comeback about 24-hours later. I will be sitting on the loo when the idea of answering an invasive question with another question will hit me, but I have nobody to test my rebuttal on. So when I get asked why I am single, I can turn the question around with a simple “Why do you think I can’t land a man?”. This could lead to much blushing and stuttering from the other person and shift the attention away from my marital status. My brainwave is too late this time, as the person who asked the question is asking another single person who is blushing and stuttering. This made me adopt the Brownie motto and “be prepared”, so I have listed a few potential answers to awkward questions that I can choose depending on the interrogator (friends, family, fellowships or functions) and my mood (“mellow or miaaw” so it depends on care or claws).



Why are you still single?

• My other personality does not have the same taste as me. My other personality has a fettish for losers, while I am more of a gold-digger.

• Is there a cure for this infliction? Being single sounds like an incurable disease.

• Everybody I like is married and polygamy is not legal.

• I like the younger partner and I am waiting for him to finish school.

• My left hand is missing a finger or allergic to gold and silver jewelry. No ring finger, so no man.

• Because I can be single. It’s fun. Why aren’t you single?

• I can afford my lifestyle alone.

• So that I can buy property, cars and food without having to share.

• It is more fun at New Year’s.

• I can take a different date wherever I go.



When are you having children?

• There are enough in the world – overpopulation is a real problem.

• I remember to take my pill.

• My womb says no.

• My biological clock is in another time zone.

• I am waiting to be a MILF or cougar.

• I am waiting until I am older so my kids can be raised with my in an old age home.

• When I find a man.





I thought that these thoughtless questions would stop once I got rid of the single syndrome, but then the probing gets more personal.



Are you trying to have kids?

• We try nightly in all positions, but no luck yet. Can you help us?

• Are you asking how often we have sex?

• We want to have a social life as much as possible without noise.

• Why have kids when I am married to one?

• We need to apply for a parenting license before we start trying?

• Are you volunteering to babysit?



These questions most often come from strangers who have no business asking about your sex life. I will use these answers and hope to never see them again. If you have been in this situation, remember NEVER to ask these things.