Gambling with your health

The exercise and leisure industry fall into the same category as gambling services and holiday resorts. Buying a gym membership or sporting equipment involves putting your money into an industry where the returns are random and inconsistent.

Everybody who has invested their money in a holiday or at a casino has received something in return from the experience, even if it is a fungal infection from the communal pool, lost luggage or an overdraft. The returns are not always predictable, but there is always something gained from the experience of a vacation or visiting the gym.

Most people who purchase gym contracts, rarely use the facility. Large sums of money are invested in other people’s sweat. Similar to gambling, money is invested to another person’s advantage. The coins that are dropped in a slot machine can either fill the machine or result in a payout in a casino, but results are more predictable when it comes to exercise. Regular exercise leads to less stress with fewer health concerns and weight problems. The results are guaranteed if the rules are obeyed.

Putting food in your mouth forms part of daily survival. The returns look the same when exiting the body whether we deposited a balanced meal or chocolate. The shape and bulges of our human machine is mostly determined by the deposits. Too many deposits of fast food leads to returns of cancer, obesity, diabetes and self-image problems. Gambling with our health is a sobering thought when the lifestyle diseases start showing their symptoms of high blood pressure, stress and cholesterol.

It is time to move the focus (and budget) away from the luxuries of restaurants, resorts and pubs. Barbells should be more important than chocolate bars and sports bars where alcohol and pub grub are served. Cardiovascular exercise involves more endurance than walking to a counter instead of going via the drive-through area. Aerobic exercise burns kilojoules and resistance training speeds up metabolism. This increases the rate at which the coins pass through the conditioned machine by increasing the internal efficiency.

Gambling with your heart could lead to early death, high medical bills and limiting lifestyle if you decide to remain sedentary. There is nothing relaxing about incorrect investment in the leisure industry.

Break Up Bull

Forget irresolvable issues, conflicting beliefs, clashing personalities and irreconcilable differences, the real reason for breakups are the small things that often go unnoticed. The big terms and words with multiple syllables are merely legal terms and politically correct words that are a vague explanation without sharing the detail that surrounds a split. Saying that you broke up because of “irreconcilable differences” is basically a nice way of telling the enquirer that it really is none of their business or that the longer explanation version for the break up will take too long to divulge. When hearing one of the above mentioned terms from others, we nod and do not probe for further detail for fear that the person will break down emotionally or reduce us to tears with a drawn out version of every detailed account of conflict and unhappiness of their long relationship.

We’ve all experienced the irritation of potential suitors such as the excess body hair, inappropriate noises, expressions and mannerisms that we cannot ignore no matter how hard we try. Call it shallowness or immaturity, but the irritation does not go away. The guttural or nasal noises get louder, the unibrow becomes a focal point on his face and the sayings are dated and embarrassing. These issues are exaggerated and become almost as irritating as an evil mother-in-law.

My exboyfriend was prohibited from breaking wind in my presence and the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this was the deciding factor in our break up. The pent up emotions that had no outlet and the escalating pressure to be a decent, well mannered lad was too stressful for him in the end. The fact that he is full of shit has ultimately led to us sleeping in separate beds. Either he was frustrated with my manners and decent upbringing, or I become a real pain in the ass.

Men love speaking about toilet habits, sex, dirty jokes and anything that is below the belt. Demonstrations and gestures add entertainment value to these topics. If a charity were to organise a farting competition as a fund raiser (or skunk raiser) they would make a killing and have stinking rich beneficiaries. Chilli and bean sales would skyrocket and carbo-loading would take a new meaning. The male support would be massive and more popular than any charity auction or pet show.

My friend omits silent farts that make her husband blush. She says he is embarrassed on her behalf, but I think it’s just blood redistribution away from his nose. She either blames him for the fart of wafts the duvet in his direction. When she is feeling cruel, she buries his head under the blanket. If you can’t beat them, join them. She actually has a happy marriage so there is a lot to be said for airing your views.

We should resort to these toilet tendencies in a last desperate attempt to understand the fascination with bowel movements and private parts. Invite other couples over for a braai, burping competition and boep comparison. Embrace their flatulence habits, but don’t squeeze their stomachs too hard and do not serve spinach or any dried fruit.

Examine your last break up and weigh up the small issues such as the fact that he hated your pink shoes, your loud laugh or domestic habits. Ignore the infidelity, arguments and feuds and focus on the little things in order to realise that nobody is perfect, but some people’s imperfections are too much to live with. My next boyfriend will not fart in my presence, but I might compromise and allow him to blame the inexplicable smell on the dog.

Girl Golfers

Overhearing a telephone conversation between two trendy women could go something along these lines (not literal phone lines as these have long since been replaced by cell signals): “Of course! Which course? Should we meet for tea before we tee off? I’ll drive and bring my own driver this time”.

Golf has become a popular sport and a great escape for stressed business people, networkers and social players. Dave Barry summarises this trend best when he says that “although golf was originally restricted to wealthy overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing”. The game was an elite sport, but it now played by anybody who wants to network, unwind, show off or tee off.

I’ve decided to write the “dummies guide to golf”, but there has to be an exam before being allowed on a golf course, even before the driving range. Forget handicaps, these are the stages of golf:

1. Theory lesson – just as learner drivers should have completed the theoretical learners licence exam, wannabe golfers should be required to learn the lingo, rules and intracies of the game. Required reading should be a golf newspaper report or a specialist magazine article and the golf dictionary and …….a pro shop tour. Master picking up a golf bag and carrying it for hours, differentiate the golf clubs, buy a collared shirt and learn the lingo. Minding your Ps and Qs involves learning that p does not stand for putter. A driver is not the person who steers the golf cart. Learn ornithology by viewing the birdies and eagles of the golf course before getting on the green.

2. Learner Driver – short of walking around with an “l” on your back (could stand for loser or lost), this stage involves making friends with the golf stick, stance and swing. Starting with the stance and then progressing to the swing and follow-through before even placing the ball on the tee.

3. Driver – hundreds of practical hours at the driving range under the watchful eye of an instructor. It always helps to have a professional coach in order to learn proper technique in order to have the most effective swing with the most comfortable posture. The first accomplishment occurs when regular contact is made with the ball and the golf club does not fly out of your hand or swing over the stationary ball. Thereafter, the aiming and placement of the ball should become easier with practice and professionals say that once in a while, the ball tends to fly off in a random direction that was not planned.

4. Graduate to take the real course – this is when you can “drive” unassisted without coaching supervision on a real golf course. Dragging the bag through nine holes without total exhaustion or embarrassing your opponent will let you know that you are a golfer.

5. Handicap – I was under the impression that a handicap was a bad thing, but not in golf. The lower your handicap, the better the golfer. A pro is a professional, not prostitute so it’s an achievement to turn “pro”. Golf may be the only sport where it’s good have a “round”.

Bob Hope summarised this sport best when he said “if you watch it, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf”.  The concentration, dedication and motivation required to play this sport seems easy to an outsider, but it is more difficult than getting a licence, even though the equipment may have similar names and prices. It’s empowering to exchange the household iron for a golf iron to play the game that used to be for males exclusively. All the exclusivity removed, it is still an art to learn to play golf.

Some tips from the beginner:

• Get in Gear – collared shirt and proper attire for this sport where lycra is not allowed.
• Go Clubbing – learn the difference between the drivers, wedges and putters.
• Get Balls – always take some extra because golf balls tend to love water.
• Please Get Associated with the Tour – learn the players’ names, course names and tournaments. They initially all sound the same with a few letters that are different like Andrew, St Andrews, Andy
• Go Clubbing again – join a golf club to cement your dedication. After you’ve passed the driver’s test.

Between Christmas and New Year: Black Hole Week

Much is written about the Christmas festivities and the New Year celebrations, but the time between these two holidays is like a black hole or time warp where money is spent, vast amount of food is consumed and people tend to lose their memories and inhibitions for an entire week. A combination of disrupted sleeping patterns, spending patterns and drinking patterns could become a holiday from hell for those trying to save their money, livers and figures.

Ask anybody what they did after Christmas and before New Year and they will scratch their head and struggle to remember what they were doing other than eating and partying. The Christmas shopping is over and presents have been unwrapped, but everybody is still on holiday and spending money that they pretend not to have in these rough economic times. Petrol is a major expense and the other fuel is alcohol that makes people overindulge in food and spending that starts the cycle of overspending again. It is no wonder that there are road blocks everywhere and the police are visible in droves! Drinking and driving during the festive season become as related as work and stress during the year. The roads are filled with people on leisurely drives to nowhere and the roads are quiet at rush hour, yet busy for the rest of the day. Stress manifests itself as road rage and drunken arguments on the roadside when everybody is moving at a different pace. It is not even safe indoors as “shopping seething” occurs when walking behind slow families in busy shopping centres when all you want to do is pop in for bread and then find the closest exit while those strollers in front of you would make a tortoise appear fast. The post-Christmas sales draw many browsers, but all the presents have been purchased and money has been spent before Christmas. I think that these sales are a cruel tactic to get the consumer to hate themselves for spending double the money on a present only to discover that they could have saved money if they had waited a week. People should be at their most hygienic and heaviest after Christmas when everybody gets bath and beauty products and chocolates as gifts. Sadly, braai meat, salad and beer never goes on sale, but it is what most South Africans spend the festive season doing while being social.

Many wasted k’s (kilograms and kilometres) are added to the vehicle and the body that is regretted later and always an excuse for a resolution that involves losing weight, saving money or being more efficient. Holidays and weekends are the best time to exercise as the gyms are quiet and there is more time to plan a routine and avoid the cravings by exercising regularly. There is more time to read an informative article at the pool instead of paging through the magazine on the run or in a waiting room. Sadly reading anything always induced sleep and the more frequent afternoon naps become, the more tired we get. It is strange that vacationers sleep later in the morning, but need that afternoon nap as much as desert after dinner and when the time comes to return to work, we need another holiday.

Black Hole Week is a blur of noise and nothingness and hangovers. This Week-ness is our reward for working hard in the year, but it makes the return to real life more challenging. It also makes New Year’s Resolutions difficult and returning to work impossible.

Estosterone

ESTOSTERONE

I did not forget the “t” in the title because the first part of the male hormone has been phonetically removed. This is my new PC term for the metrosexual phenomenon that is making males effeminate, females maculine and humans androgenous.

My friend actually meant to say estrogen when she was descibing our girls’ weekend away with her lonely boyfriend who was starting to feel outnumbered by her three friends. We joked that he was our pimp and all men who walked past our high pitched parties seemed jealous, if not slightly in awe of this man that seemed so comfortable around women.

I’m often surprised by men’s knowledge of female anatomy and functioning. Buying tampons, acknowledging PMS as a reality and filling hot water bottles shows me that a man does not think that the menstual cycle is a tandem bike with saddles designed for men.

I often chat to guys who will admit going for facials, massages and manicures more often than I do. Beauty salons are seeing a drastic increase in the number of male clientele. Previously, the illegal massage parlours were the only places with beds that had men using their services.

Female magazines are read by males (surely ladies buy these mags and lend them to boyfriends?), girlfriends receive handpicked lingerie as gifts (tastefully chosen in the correct size) and men admit to crying in a sad movie. Usually it is an animal movie and not a love story, but I also thought “Sea Biscuit” was more moving than “Titanic”. If you’ll excuse the pun as the Titanic will not be sailing anywhere again. When I was in school, my hardcore guy friend admitted to crying in “Braveheart” and since then there he had seen less shame in admitting to shedding a tear occasionally. I still get uncomfortable when anybody cries around me so I turn a blind eye when I see an emotional male with glistening eyes in the movies. Slight role reversal when the female is the unfeeling, detached, impassive party.

My favourite evidence of this newfound estosterone is when guys want to join girl talk. They move away from the sports talk around the braai and gravitate to the the giggling girls sharing the bottle of wine. When men ask them why they prefer our conversation they will probably say that they want to take advantage of a drunk woman or report back what the girls are gossiping about the guys. The truth is that guys love gossip. Some women are trying to avoid speaking negatively of another person, but men want to know everything about others. Rumours, scandals and affairs are hot topics for the male ear. Who is doing what to who and why dominates conversation for the evening and I’m sure that some males would take reference notes if they could. Their attention is focussed on learning about the happenings of their social community.

The questions that men ask among a group of girls are relevant and probing and make us think about our personal reasons for doing certain things that were automatic. They analyse our reatcions to situations and consider our decisions if it has nothing to do with their lives. When they are involved in our situations and our decisions affect them personally, they tend to be less impartial and open minded and more opinionated about our reations to any problem or crisis.

The only worrying factor about this estosterone is the lack of availible, dateable males. I’m a bit if a fag hag and tend to be friendly with the homosexuals. Making more and more effeminate friends at the moment has led to fewer single men crossing my path. The gay community seems to be on a recruitment drive trying to get the straight guys to their side of the sexual fence. It becomes impossible to judge whether a person is happily heterosexual or in the closet.

Less testosterone leads to a greater understanding of female functioning and  now there’s a cooking volunteer and a sympathetic ear who will keep listening long after my girlfriends have lost interest.

Worriers

OUT OF CONTROL

Humans have enough problems to worry about without stressing about the things that cannot be changed.

Listen to any older person like a mother-in-law or aunt who constantly comments and complains about the weather. It is always too hot or too cold and they are never comfortable with the climatological state of nature. The only effect of their complaints will be to cause a stormy mood for the listener while the wind continues to blow.

Motivational speakers encourage positive thinking and stress that we should focus on the controllable aspect of our lives that we can improve such as financial status, moods and interactive skills instead of sweating the small stuff.

Being women, we try to control most things on a daily basis, but we need to accept that certain aspects of our lives are slightly more difficult to control than a screaming child or a moody man. Good news to know that certain things are manageable while the five uncontrollable things (listed below) are impossible to change. The new expression on the radio is the best advice: build a bridge and get over it.

1.   WEATHER

If it is meant to rain on your wedding day, the drops will fall from the sky and the best wedding planner cannot limit the damage if you insisted on a garden ceremony. Weather forecasts are as close as we get to control the climate and even the television reports are inaccurate. Murphy plays a sly role in the weather as it usually rains on Easter weekend (most public holidays and weekends when we make plans to be outdoors) or after a carwash. Weather: we like it or not, the elements will not be instructed or tamed for our benefit.

2.   AGEING

Time stands still for nobody and while it is said that true beauty stands the test of time, we will do our best to avoid wrinkles, sagging and gravity as much as possible. New products and procedures try to stop nature’s clock, but only stall the lines for a few years. Most people dread the effects of losing hair, memory and bone density, but ageing is inevitable. We gain experience and wisdom with every facial crease and worrying about getting older just adds to the wrinkles. My granny vainly refuses to wear spectacles as she complains that it makes her look ninety, but does not realise that squinting will make her eye area look a hundred years old. She should be proud of nearly having a century’s life experience, but instead tries to dye her hair and hide her wrinkles that she can hardly see in the mirror because she is not wearing her spectacles.

3.   THE JONES’

The neighbour who has the financial advantage to buy two fancy cars, a collegue who has the idyllic family life and a friend who has the perfect family will always be part of our life. These successful counterparts are there to remind us to strive for a more balanced life, but they do not deserve to be the target of envy or maliciousness because we feel they do not deserve the promotion that life has awarded them. We cannot judge or change the fact that somebody will always be more prosperous. Remember that for every person who is richer than you, there is another who suffers. Use the Jones family as mentors and seek advice to build a better relationship.

4.   REACTIONS

Working with people is a valuable experience and trying to predict the way another person will react to a situation is almost impossible. Regulating our own behaviour is difficult enough without foreseeing how many people will attend your party or buy a product. Moods, comments and reactions makes every person unique and this can be best illustrated when the family that we think we know will surprise us.

5.   PARTNERS (ie, men)

They cannot be changed. Training is possible, taming is achievable and acceptance is our only reaction to certain traits in a partner.

Having read this article, stop frowning (lose the wrinkle between your eyes when looking into the sky), smile (increase the laugh lines that indicate a happy life), laugh at our faults and accept that some things cannot be changed as easily as our underwear. Changing our mind about certain things is easier than worrying.

Cars

Guys continually compare cars to women and we just roll our eyes, failing to see the similarity other than the power struggle between the sexes where they think they are in control – until there’s an accident. The femininity of the car, boat and other possessions has been taken for granted and I can finally relate to this chick comparison after visiting a dealer who convinced me to abandon my seven year long relationship with a reliable Carlee (an obvious name considering my name is Lee and it was my first car, yet people needed explanations about the origin of her name) for a sleek newer model. The first feminine comparison would be the good looks that made Ms Fine so irresistible that I had to have her on the showroom floor. Right then and there here physical profile grabbed my attention and I was smitten with her sleek look and curves.

Carlee, my ex, has become more of a burden in time as she has stopped taking care of herself and her looks are fading. After our move to the ocean, she aged quickly and was attracting pitiful looks from strangers when her colour started fading. More and more people were passing her as she was slower than the younger models which meant that more pathetic looks were given as cars sped past, but she was not turning heads for the right reasons anymore. My hands were developing calluses from touching her (rough stearing) and I was repulsed by her tactile stimulation. While her interior was great, I was embarrassed by her outward appearance as she had dents in all the wrong places and unsightly bumps and bruises. I felt guilty for secretly making plans to trade her in, but it was a nightmare deciding on a replacement that could match her reliability, mobility and good nature. I needed another easy ride that could be manoeuvred into small spaces.

When I decided on a worthy replacement, Carlee’s fate was sealed. After years of making me hot (no aircon) and being stuck in the 80s (KFM was the station of choice as there was no CD player), she would have to move on. The replacement was hidden under a satin sheet that resembled a wedding dress of my untouched vehicle. I removed her gown and slid into the cool atmosphere that would give me much pleasure in the future. The similarities in my virgin ride reminded me of what males imagine to be the perfect girlfriend – no loud feedback, no rattling, no distractions and no boundries. I could drive forever and see a real future for this relationship. The only hiccup which turned into a gag reflex was the fact that my new car makes me nauseous. Maybe it’s the new smell or the air conditioning or the thought of the monthly insurance payments. I’m hoping this morning sickness will subside soon along with the “mourning sickness” of missing my old girl that is now sitting in a garage having a makeover for her new owner. I hope that she can deal with the betrayal and will remember me with fondness.

In the meantime, I will be marking my territory with high revs, speeding fines (or she will “miss-the-fine” because she is so quick), thumping bass and sleek curves. Not to mention my CA number plate which indicates that I have moved away from the northern suburbs into the real world of wheeling and dealing where the action never stops. I know how to turn Ms Fine on and the rest will fall into place with practise. Until the nausea passes and the adjustment (seat, mirror and steering levers) period is over, I will enjoy showing her off to my friends who are extremely jealous, especially the guys. I can see that they want to be in the driver’s seat and feel her for themselves, but they know not to ask.