Estosterone

ESTOSTERONE

I did not forget the “t” in the title because the first part of the male hormone has been phonetically removed. This is my new PC term for the metrosexual phenomenon that is making males effeminate, females maculine and humans androgenous.

My friend actually meant to say estrogen when she was descibing our girls’ weekend away with her lonely boyfriend who was starting to feel outnumbered by her three friends. We joked that he was our pimp and all men who walked past our high pitched parties seemed jealous, if not slightly in awe of this man that seemed so comfortable around women.

I’m often surprised by men’s knowledge of female anatomy and functioning. Buying tampons, acknowledging PMS as a reality and filling hot water bottles shows me that a man does not think that the menstual cycle is a tandem bike with saddles designed for men.

I often chat to guys who will admit going for facials, massages and manicures more often than I do. Beauty salons are seeing a drastic increase in the number of male clientele. Previously, the illegal massage parlours were the only places with beds that had men using their services.

Female magazines are read by males (surely ladies buy these mags and lend them to boyfriends?), girlfriends receive handpicked lingerie as gifts (tastefully chosen in the correct size) and men admit to crying in a sad movie. Usually it is an animal movie and not a love story, but I also thought “Sea Biscuit” was more moving than “Titanic”. If you’ll excuse the pun as the Titanic will not be sailing anywhere again. When I was in school, my hardcore guy friend admitted to crying in “Braveheart” and since then there he had seen less shame in admitting to shedding a tear occasionally. I still get uncomfortable when anybody cries around me so I turn a blind eye when I see an emotional male with glistening eyes in the movies. Slight role reversal when the female is the unfeeling, detached, impassive party.

My favourite evidence of this newfound estosterone is when guys want to join girl talk. They move away from the sports talk around the braai and gravitate to the the giggling girls sharing the bottle of wine. When men ask them why they prefer our conversation they will probably say that they want to take advantage of a drunk woman or report back what the girls are gossiping about the guys. The truth is that guys love gossip. Some women are trying to avoid speaking negatively of another person, but men want to know everything about others. Rumours, scandals and affairs are hot topics for the male ear. Who is doing what to who and why dominates conversation for the evening and I’m sure that some males would take reference notes if they could. Their attention is focussed on learning about the happenings of their social community.

The questions that men ask among a group of girls are relevant and probing and make us think about our personal reasons for doing certain things that were automatic. They analyse our reatcions to situations and consider our decisions if it has nothing to do with their lives. When they are involved in our situations and our decisions affect them personally, they tend to be less impartial and open minded and more opinionated about our reations to any problem or crisis.

The only worrying factor about this estosterone is the lack of availible, dateable males. I’m a bit if a fag hag and tend to be friendly with the homosexuals. Making more and more effeminate friends at the moment has led to fewer single men crossing my path. The gay community seems to be on a recruitment drive trying to get the straight guys to their side of the sexual fence. It becomes impossible to judge whether a person is happily heterosexual or in the closet.

Less testosterone leads to a greater understanding of female functioning and  now there’s a cooking volunteer and a sympathetic ear who will keep listening long after my girlfriends have lost interest.

Worriers

OUT OF CONTROL

Humans have enough problems to worry about without stressing about the things that cannot be changed.

Listen to any older person like a mother-in-law or aunt who constantly comments and complains about the weather. It is always too hot or too cold and they are never comfortable with the climatological state of nature. The only effect of their complaints will be to cause a stormy mood for the listener while the wind continues to blow.

Motivational speakers encourage positive thinking and stress that we should focus on the controllable aspect of our lives that we can improve such as financial status, moods and interactive skills instead of sweating the small stuff.

Being women, we try to control most things on a daily basis, but we need to accept that certain aspects of our lives are slightly more difficult to control than a screaming child or a moody man. Good news to know that certain things are manageable while the five uncontrollable things (listed below) are impossible to change. The new expression on the radio is the best advice: build a bridge and get over it.

1.   WEATHER

If it is meant to rain on your wedding day, the drops will fall from the sky and the best wedding planner cannot limit the damage if you insisted on a garden ceremony. Weather forecasts are as close as we get to control the climate and even the television reports are inaccurate. Murphy plays a sly role in the weather as it usually rains on Easter weekend (most public holidays and weekends when we make plans to be outdoors) or after a carwash. Weather: we like it or not, the elements will not be instructed or tamed for our benefit.

2.   AGEING

Time stands still for nobody and while it is said that true beauty stands the test of time, we will do our best to avoid wrinkles, sagging and gravity as much as possible. New products and procedures try to stop nature’s clock, but only stall the lines for a few years. Most people dread the effects of losing hair, memory and bone density, but ageing is inevitable. We gain experience and wisdom with every facial crease and worrying about getting older just adds to the wrinkles. My granny vainly refuses to wear spectacles as she complains that it makes her look ninety, but does not realise that squinting will make her eye area look a hundred years old. She should be proud of nearly having a century’s life experience, but instead tries to dye her hair and hide her wrinkles that she can hardly see in the mirror because she is not wearing her spectacles.

3.   THE JONES’

The neighbour who has the financial advantage to buy two fancy cars, a collegue who has the idyllic family life and a friend who has the perfect family will always be part of our life. These successful counterparts are there to remind us to strive for a more balanced life, but they do not deserve to be the target of envy or maliciousness because we feel they do not deserve the promotion that life has awarded them. We cannot judge or change the fact that somebody will always be more prosperous. Remember that for every person who is richer than you, there is another who suffers. Use the Jones family as mentors and seek advice to build a better relationship.

4.   REACTIONS

Working with people is a valuable experience and trying to predict the way another person will react to a situation is almost impossible. Regulating our own behaviour is difficult enough without foreseeing how many people will attend your party or buy a product. Moods, comments and reactions makes every person unique and this can be best illustrated when the family that we think we know will surprise us.

5.   PARTNERS (ie, men)

They cannot be changed. Training is possible, taming is achievable and acceptance is our only reaction to certain traits in a partner.

Having read this article, stop frowning (lose the wrinkle between your eyes when looking into the sky), smile (increase the laugh lines that indicate a happy life), laugh at our faults and accept that some things cannot be changed as easily as our underwear. Changing our mind about certain things is easier than worrying.

Cars

Guys continually compare cars to women and we just roll our eyes, failing to see the similarity other than the power struggle between the sexes where they think they are in control – until there’s an accident. The femininity of the car, boat and other possessions has been taken for granted and I can finally relate to this chick comparison after visiting a dealer who convinced me to abandon my seven year long relationship with a reliable Carlee (an obvious name considering my name is Lee and it was my first car, yet people needed explanations about the origin of her name) for a sleek newer model. The first feminine comparison would be the good looks that made Ms Fine so irresistible that I had to have her on the showroom floor. Right then and there here physical profile grabbed my attention and I was smitten with her sleek look and curves.

Carlee, my ex, has become more of a burden in time as she has stopped taking care of herself and her looks are fading. After our move to the ocean, she aged quickly and was attracting pitiful looks from strangers when her colour started fading. More and more people were passing her as she was slower than the younger models which meant that more pathetic looks were given as cars sped past, but she was not turning heads for the right reasons anymore. My hands were developing calluses from touching her (rough stearing) and I was repulsed by her tactile stimulation. While her interior was great, I was embarrassed by her outward appearance as she had dents in all the wrong places and unsightly bumps and bruises. I felt guilty for secretly making plans to trade her in, but it was a nightmare deciding on a replacement that could match her reliability, mobility and good nature. I needed another easy ride that could be manoeuvred into small spaces.

When I decided on a worthy replacement, Carlee’s fate was sealed. After years of making me hot (no aircon) and being stuck in the 80s (KFM was the station of choice as there was no CD player), she would have to move on. The replacement was hidden under a satin sheet that resembled a wedding dress of my untouched vehicle. I removed her gown and slid into the cool atmosphere that would give me much pleasure in the future. The similarities in my virgin ride reminded me of what males imagine to be the perfect girlfriend – no loud feedback, no rattling, no distractions and no boundries. I could drive forever and see a real future for this relationship. The only hiccup which turned into a gag reflex was the fact that my new car makes me nauseous. Maybe it’s the new smell or the air conditioning or the thought of the monthly insurance payments. I’m hoping this morning sickness will subside soon along with the “mourning sickness” of missing my old girl that is now sitting in a garage having a makeover for her new owner. I hope that she can deal with the betrayal and will remember me with fondness.

In the meantime, I will be marking my territory with high revs, speeding fines (or she will “miss-the-fine” because she is so quick), thumping bass and sleek curves. Not to mention my CA number plate which indicates that I have moved away from the northern suburbs into the real world of wheeling and dealing where the action never stops. I know how to turn Ms Fine on and the rest will fall into place with practise. Until the nausea passes and the adjustment (seat, mirror and steering levers) period is over, I will enjoy showing her off to my friends who are extremely jealous, especially the guys. I can see that they want to be in the driver’s seat and feel her for themselves, but they know not to ask.

The biggest losers

THE REAL LOSERS

The saying that you can never be too rich or too thin is often quoted as we strive towards physical perfection and material satisfaction. Gaining money and losing weight are seen as steps to a better life and happiness.

Society’s reaction to weight loss or monetary gain is interesting as there is hardly ever a genuine compliment given from a third party because of jealousy, selfishness or pride. I deal with  people who strive for weight loss on a daily basis and hear comments from others who think that they are being complimentary, but do not understand how to boost another person’s ego without belittling them.

My friend recently lost over ten kilograms and she looks great, but people comment on her methods and wonder how she lost so much weight because it cannot be “natural”. A good exercise programme with a balanced eating plan and self control could not possibly have such a positive effect in their critical view. I was listening to them speaking one day when they commented on the fact that my friend sniffs often and assumed that she was on cocaine which led to the drastic weight loss. Between giggles I mentioned that she suffers from sinus problems and the pollen levels were the only things that were high, but they still seemed sceptical. People also assume that the “loser” has a hidden agenda such as catching a boyfriend or improving appearances for another person when it is often a personal decision. When you commit to losing weight for yourself the goal becomes more tangible and achievable than when you are doing it for somebody else. Goals are not based on kilograms and centimetres, but on energy levels stress reduction and improved wellbeing.

People who make an effort to lose weight are very sensitive to comments about their body and do not appreciate people making uneducated guesses as to how they have shed the kilos. The change does not happen overnight and it is usually a slow, tedious process filled with temptation, cravings and mood swings.  The only immediate reaction is the realisation by people who have not seen you for a long time who are shocked by your appearance and wonder where the rest of your body went.

Scrutinising and adjusting eating habits has become a hot topic and dinner parties revolve around conversations about the content of our plate. Look at people in restaurants who enquire as to what the person at another table is eating and base their food choice on the aesthetics of the dish. A person who is obese is always watched and they generally tend to avoid eating in public due to fear of ridicule or embarrassment. Thus a psychological issue is formed in addition to the physical obesity. It is assumed that they eat more than the average person, but this is not always the case as activity and metabolic functioning plays a role in body composition. Ectomorphs are people with small bone structures who often eat more than larger people, but they are accused of having a tape worm or a fast metabolism.

The reality is that there are many people in third world countries who would die for the fast food that makes the first world countries obese and overweight. Comments about Ethiopeans sleeping in hose pipes and being faxed somewhere instead of catching a flight have been circulated and laughed about since the famine started. Being too thin leads to health problems such as bad circulation, brittle bones and nervous system imbalances.

Losing weight is not always a good thing. People with high metabolisms and active lifestyles tend to lose weight quickly and look gaunt and malnourished if they lose a few kilos. Stress causes many people to lose weight because any disruption to the human body’s functioning will have an effect in either increasing or decreasing appetite. During times of emotional stress we tend to lose weight and look good to the rest of the world while we feel terrible inside. Nobody looks past the physical improvement to notice the mood swings or energy slumps. There are many people who are sick with liver, pancreas and other metabolic problems that lose weight. After months of constantly losing weight, they finally discover that the reason for their slimmer figure is a serious sickeness that no amount of compliments can cure.

On a lighter note, the compliments do wonders for our self image, but the thought at the back of mind remains that if I lost the weight for no reason with minimal effort, it will come back for no good reason, along with my appetite.

The best compliments:

1. You’ve lost so much weight! You used to be quite large/podgy/flabby
2. Be careful that you are not anorexic.
3. Do you need some money for food?
4. Ethiopean jokes. Hose pipes for sleeping bags and travelling by fax instead of plane as cruel innuendos for losing weight.
5. Is that all you are eating?
6. How much more are you going to lose before you disappear? Just don’t turn sideways.

With this insight into the minds of ectomorphs and dieters, you must ask yourself who the real losers are when comments are made about weight loss and physical appearance.

Thirty

THIRTY THINGS TO DO BEFORE THIRTY

Another birthday, fewer presents and more questions as to when I will settle down and breed.

The only good thing about being thirty is that it is a round number which is easy to remember, as I constantly forget how old I am at the moment. At either twenty eight or twenty nine years old I have survived the first quarter, but have a break before menopause. The quarter life crisis has left me with a philosophical outlook on life and lots of advice for anybody who seems insecure or unsure. The reflection of my twenties that were spent studying, working and partying will soon be left behind for the thirties of more working and less partying. Before I reach that level of maturity, I want to accomplish a few things other than earning a degree that has not helped secure a successful job. Below is the checklist where I can tick a few items as complete and make plans to accomplish the rest as the clock is ticking…

1. Binge - the only way to find one’s limit is to push the boundry. Excess food, booze or spending on a shopping spree qualifies as binging. More, more, more must be done while living for the moment. The guilt only sets in afterwards.
2. Develop healthy habits. Brushing teeth twice per day, eating veggies, wearing a seatbelt and exercising regularly.
3. Drop my negative friends. These people we dread calling when they text “please call me” messages and I am always nervous to ask about their health as there is never a positive answer. Surround oneself with positive people instead of having to listen to depressed, selfish friends because their negativity is contagious.
4. Lock keys in cars or house or do something equally stupid to learn a lesson that is hopefully not repeated. A good contingency must then be implemented such as giving spare keys to parents.
5. Make debt and then get out of debt. Do not repeat.
6. Stay awake through the night. Party through the night with friends or stay up with another person for a private party.
7. Slap a guy or put the pie in the face that they do in the movies – examples include slapping your cheating boyfriend.
8. Go on a blind date.
9. Get dumped. Experiencing rejection is part of life, but never pleasant. Experience heart break and be a survivor with a story to tell
10. Go cosmopolitan - make friends from different cultures, races and religions.
11. Have regular medical check ups: gynaechologist, dentist and be educated about health problems.
12. Choose a mentor who can guide and support important decisions.
13. Read a self-help book or attend a seminar for personal development.
14. Read the book instead of watching the movie.
15. Complete a DIY activity such as constructing a bookshelf or redecorating.
16. Compile a five-year plan and consult it regularly for direction and guidance.
17. Say NO without feeling guilty.
18. Support a charity that is not myself.
19. Travel oversees – work or pleasure.
20. Change jobs to avoid having one reference on CV.
21. Travel locally by train, motor cycle or any other alternative mode of transport.
22. Adopt a pet.
23. Babysit kids of family to experience what is like to be a mom. Then give them back.
24. Experience the death of a loved one, whether it be a loss of a family member of a pet.
25. Speak to parents about mortality and money. Know the location of important papers such as testaments and legal documents.
26. Realise that sounding like my mother may not be a bad thing.
27. Learn to hold my tongue and stop putting my foot in my mouth.
28. Find a grey (or stray) hair and smile about it
29. Wear sunscreen, night cream and age gracefully.
30. Celebrate birthdays without avoiding them and then forget my age.

Having compiled this list, I can add to it at the next landmark birthday. I have exactly one year and two months to work on the action plan to achieve these goals.

Man influences

Men are present even though we try to escape them at occasions such as girls’ night when we end up discussing our egotistical boss, problematic boyfriend or good looking collegue. Man and the plural men invade our vocabulary with problems discussed below. There is no escaping these things that influence our daily lives, health and work.

MENstruation – while men invade our lives daily, we bleed once a month for a few days. The menstrual cycle usually starts during the teenage years when we begin to notice the opposite sex. This monthly cycle continues throughout adulthood and is usually the time when men leave women alone. They sympathize with this enigma that they will never experience and do not understand the accompanying moods, bloating and discomfort.

MENopause – called change of life where woman’s ovaries stops producing eggs and menstrual flow ceases and a woman can no longer have children. This is the most difficult physical, emotional and hormonal time of woman’s life and is often referred to as a mid life crisis. Women cope with this stage in various ways other than buying a convertible or having an affair. Menopause is seen as a MENace as it is characterized by physical changes, which leads to MENtal stress.

Medical conditions that are specific to women and represent major stages in our lives are named after men. Pregnancy is the only other stage that does not have the prefix “men” but not all women fall pregnant.

Even one “man” can cause a problem

Weight MANagement, MANic depression and MANual labour are all daily struggles in our lives.

MANager – head of house

MANdate - instruction

MANia – frantic, violent

MANipulate – use to your advantage

We are never free from the men, even though we try our best to attain girl power.

Man influences

Men are present even though we try to escape them at occasions such as girls’ night when we end up discussing our egotistical boss, problematic boyfriend or good looking collegue. Man and the plural men invade our vocabulary with problems discussed below. There is no escaping these things that influence our daily lives, health and work.

MENstruation – while men invade our lives daily, we bleed once a month for a few days. The menstrual cycle usually starts during the teenage years when we begin to notice the opposite sex. This monthly cycle continues throughout adulthood and is usually the time when men leave women alone. They sympathize with this enigma that they will never experience and do not understand the accompanying moods, bloating and discomfort.


MENopause – called change of life where woman’s ovaries stops producing eggs and menstrual flow ceases and a woman can no longer have children. This is the most difficult physical, emotional and hormonal time of woman’s life and is often referred to as a mid life crisis. Women cope with this stage in various ways other than buying a convertible or having an affair. Menopause is seen as a MENace as it is characterized by physical changes, which leads to MENtal stress.

Medical conditions that are specific to women and represent major stages in our lives are named after men. Pregnancy is the only other stage that does not have the prefix “men” but not all women fall pregnant.

Even one “man” can cause a problem

Weight MANagement, MANic depression and MANual labour are all daily struggles in our lives.

MANager – head of house

MANdate - instruction

MANia – frantic, violent

MANipulate – use to your advantage

We are never free from the men, even though we try our best to attain girl power.